


Full Circle

by Hester (hester4418)



Series: With a Little Help [8]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-05-11
Packaged: 2018-03-30 02:36:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3919711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hester4418/pseuds/Hester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Will Janeway and Chakotay be able to reclaim the feelings they once shared, or did that final confrontation destroy their last chance at happiness? And will their friends ever stop meddling?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Full Circle

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please see my story "Healing" (first part of the 'With a Little Help' Series) for further information on the genesis of this series.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures; no infringement of copyright is intended. This story however belongs to me.
> 
> Written October 2012.
> 
> Episode references: the usual, Coda

Hours later, Chakotay finally made his way back to his quarters. He had remained in the holodeck, blindly staring at the doors and feeling completely numb, until a couple of crew members had claimed their appointed time-slot.

After that he had aimlessly wandered the corridors of _Voyager_ , not heeding where he went, only moving steadily, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. The confrontation with Janeway kept replaying in his mind, all the hurtful things they'd flung at each other. He was relieved that they were finally out in the open, but it shouldn't have ended like it did. For the first time in months, they had been completely honest with each other – but afterward they had fallen right back into their usual patterns, only this time their roles were reversed: She had declared her love for him, and he, feeling the ultimate need to make her realize just how much she had hurt him in the past, had rebuffed her by his silence. He had been such a fool. Chakotay couldn't help feeling that this terrible clash had destroyed the last strings of hope that had still connected them.

And yet...

He couldn't get past the memory of her kiss. For all intents and purposes he had just thrown her heart out an airlock, telling himself – and her – that he was finally ready to let her go because she would _never_ choose him over her other obligations. But despite his cutting words Kathryn had turned right back to him. As one-sided as the kiss had been, the memory of it was pure torture on his soul. She was telling him in her own way that she had finally made peace with herself, that she wanted him in her life and that she didn't give a damn what Tuvok or anyone else thought. And what had he done? He hadn't even tried to keep her from walking out.

Tuvok. Thinking back to what Kathryn had said about Tuvok suddenly brought him up short. _I never asked for his blessing. Actually, quite the contrary._ Thoughts reeling, Chakotay tried to recall his painfully short conversation with the Vulcan chief of security on the day when everything had changed. Just what exactly had Tuvok said?

With a sharp intake of breath, the first officer realized that Tuvok hadn't had the chance to say much of anything. He, Chakotay, had done most of the talking, and had then unceremoniously thrown the other man out. And being the stoic Vulcan that he was, Tuvok apparently had taken that as final.

A horrible thought struck him – what if he had completely misinterpreted what Tuvok had wanted to talk about?

Chakotay stepped into a turbolift and heavily leaned against the wall. Why had everything gone so wrong? And why had they waited this long to confront each other?

 _Because we're both cowards_ , he realized. _Too afraid of getting hurt, and too blind to see the pain we were causing at the same time._

Today, Kathryn had made one last, desperate effort of getting through to him, determined to clear the air between them, no matter what the consequences. And even though her means were questionable, they had produced the intended result. But there was even more they had _not_ talked about – Mark, Kellin, Kashyk, Valerie. Where could they go from here, with so much more still unsaid and unresolved between them?

-==/\==-

The lights came up when Chakotay entered his quarters and he at once spotted the medium-sized white rectangle on his table. Paper. On it lay a single pink rose, just like the one he had given her almost exactly two years ago as symbol of life.

He stared at the ensemble, pictured Kathryn arranging it and leaving it for him to find, and gradually its significance dawned on him.

A blank page.

Chakotay sank into a chair, too stunned to process the implications of the simple question her message conveyed. Only minutes ago he had been convinced that there was still far too much separating them, and once again Kathryn was way ahead of him, telling him that, at least to her, none of it held any importance. Somehow, she never ceased to amaze him.

Was it possible that they could actually move past _everything_ that had happened and meet again at eye level, no further questions asked? It would be a new beginning for them both, leaving all the hurt and guilt behind and only moving forward. If they could do that, there might still be a chance.

It was quite possibly the last chance they would get. He would be damned if he let it slip away.

"Computer, locate Captain Janeway."

"Captain Janeway is in the mess hall."

A faint smile appeared on his face. How fitting. First the holodeck, then the mess hall. After all this time, they were finally coming full circle.

-==/\==-

When Chakotay entered the crowded mess hall, several heads turned. He hardly noticed them, his attention focused on the solitary figure at the far end of the room.

Janeway had chosen the same table they had shared those many months ago after her first 'explosion' on the holodeck, and he was sure that was no coincidence. She sat with her back turned to the room, chair slightly angled away from the table. Chakotay couldn't see her face, but from the way everybody seemed to be giving her a wide berth, he could guess that her manner had not invited company tonight. It pained him to see her this lonely.

He crossed the room in deliberate strides, waving off Neelix as the Talaxian tried to approach him and steadfastly ignoring the curious glances that were directed his way.

"Uh-oh," Tom Paris muttered under his breath, watching the commander's every step. Two pairs of eyes turned on him, fixing him in a crossfire.

"What do you know that we don't?" The threat in B'Elanna Torres' tone was obvious, even though she kept her voice just above a whisper.

"We may be in for a final showdown," Paris replied ominously, all the while keeping an eye on Chakotay.

"Just what do you mean by that?" Torres gripped Paris' arm, forcing him to look at her. Her stare was fiercely intimidating, but he still attempted to stall by rubbing his arm and grimacing.

"Ouch. Don't you think you could be a little more sensitive?"

"To-o-om –" her voice was threatening to rise, so he hurriedly backed down.

"All right, you win. Guess who had another encounter on the holodeck today?" Seeing Harry and B'Elanna's glances move in the direction of their commanding officers, Paris nodded. "That's right. And I bet the sparks that flew could have ignited a whole fireworks display. No, not that kind of sparks, I'm afraid," he added quickly as Torres' head snapped around, a hopeful expression on her face.

"What happened?"

"I ran into Chakotay outside the holodeck this afternoon. As it so happened I kind of blocked his way, and he told me in no uncertain terms to get lost."

"And?"

"The captain was using the holodeck at the time, and she wasn't in a social mood. I heard him using his override code to get in."

Torres was appalled. "And you just let him go?!"

"What was I supposed to do? He didn't know that I knew that she was in there, and I didn't exactly feel like pointing it out to him. The guy was _mad_."

"How did you know it was her?" Kim cut in, dubiously watching his friend. In his mind's eye he already saw the three of them reporting for yet another 'chat' with Tuvok – or worse, Janeway herself.

Paris patted his arm. "Relax, Harry, I haven't broken any confidences today. She barged in on me while I was playtesting the new Captain Proton episode and virtually ordered me to swap time slots. Given her mood I didn't dare refuse."

"And then you just happened to bump into Chakotay later?" Torres asked, incredulous.

Paris had the grace to squirm. "Well... Actually I stayed around to check if she would run _Sandrine's_ again."

Torres' and Kim's jaws dropped.

"I was concerned, all right?" Paris added defensively. "After last time –"

"Yeah, well, after last time you should have stayed out of it!" Kim shook his head in exasperation. "Don't you ever learn your lesson?"

"Calm down, Harry." B'Elanna put a hand on the ensign's arm. "Tom was only trying to help."

"But that's exactly my point! He's _not_ helping – and neither are we by continuing to pry."

Her muttered answer was lost in the noisy arrival of a group of engineering personnel who settled at the next table. After greeting them briefly, Torres stole another glance at Chakotay who by now had stopped right behind the captain's chair.

Janeway stared out the viewport, ostensibly studying the stars streaking by outside. She gave no indication of having noticed his approach, but Chakotay was sure that she had sensed the shift in the room's atmosphere as soon as he had come in. The murmur of conversation suddenly seemed muted, as usual perfectly attuned to the command team's emotional state. He wondered how they could have ignored it for so long.

Chakotay laid his hands on Janeway's shoulders and she noticeably stiffened, then relaxed into his touch. He longed to pull her up and take her in his arms right then and there, but he didn't dare quite yet.

Her voice sounded cautious, betraying her own uncertainty. "I wasn't sure if you'd come."

"I wasn't sure if I deserve another chance," he replied quietly.

She looked up at him then, blue eyes seeking their dark counterparts in the window's reflection. "Doesn't everyone?"

"Only in a perfect world."

She held his gaze, searching his eyes, for what he wasn't sure. Then she slowly reached up to grasp one of his hands with her own. Warmth spread up his arm and through the rest of his body, making his skin tingle. He lightly brushed his thumb over her fingers and was rewarded by a tug on his hand, a clear invitation to join her.

Chakotay left her long enough to retrieve a chair and then settled beside her, close enough for their shoulders to touch. Kathryn reached for his hand again and breathing suddenly became a whole lot more difficult as her fingers laced tightly with his. Silence stretched between them, but contrary to what he had expected it did not feel awkward. He contemplated their joined hands, then sneaked a look at her profile. Her eyes were half closed, her lips slightly parted, and he could only assume that she was just as affected by their proximity as he was. Behind them, soft laughter drifted through the mess hall.

There was a plate in front of her, the food on it barely touched. A safe topic for conversation. "What's for dinner?"

"Leola root stew. With a twist." Kathryn's tentative smile warmed his heart. "You're welcome to try it."

"Thanks, but I'll pass."

"Smart move." They shared a small chuckle. Emboldened by the almost normal feel of the exchange, Chakotay started moving his thumb over her skin again. She took a deep breath and expelled it slowly, squeezing his hand in the process.

Her next comment caught him by surprise. "They're talking again, you know?"

"Who is?"

"Do you really have to ask?"

Of course he didn't. Upon crossing the mess hall he had observed the forms of Tom, Harry and B'Elanna, once again huddled close and conversing in heated whispers. He thought back to their conversation months ago and echoed his own words. "Does it bother you?"

She turned, looking straight at him for the first time since he arrived. "Yes."

"Yes?" He was surprised. That was not what she'd said last time. "Why?"

"Because..." Kathryn bit her bottom lip, then cleared her throat, never breaking eye contact. Her voice sounded wistful, betraying a vulnerability she rarely allowed anyone to see. "Because whatever they have to say about us, about what we're doing, or they _think_ we're doing, or they think we _should_ be doing – at the end of the day I'm still left with nothing to show for it."

Chakotay swallowed past the lump in his throat. "I love you, Kathryn."

A solitary tear spilled from her eye. "I know."

He lifted his hand and gingerly brushed his fingertips across her cheek, wiping away the damp trail left by the tear. Suddenly the room went breathlessly quiet. He didn't have to look around to know that all eyes were turned their way. Chakotay brought his other hand up as well and gently cradled Kathryn's face. His voice was low, and full of love. "Let's give them something to talk about, shall we?"

-==/\==-

Across the room, conversation had ceased – almost.

"Don't stare, B'Elanna!"

"I won't if you won't."

"That'll be the day."

"Oh, shut up!" The half-Klingon chief engineer smacked Paris' shoulder. He punched her right back, grinning devilishly.

"Cut it out, you two," Harry Kim whispered forcefully. "If you don't keep it down, you'll ruin the moment."

That brought the squabblers up short. After shooting a final exasperated look at one another, Torres and Paris turned back to watching the spectacle that held the whole mess hall captive.

There, right in front of everybody, Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay were thoroughly wrapped up in each other and kissing deeply.

One of Chakotay's hands had sneaked around to tangle in her hair while his other arm wrapped around her back, drawing her as close as possible under the circumstances. She was leaning into him, hands on his chest, utterly lost to the world.

"Talk about 'kiss and make up'," B'Elanna sighed. She fully expected another snide remark from her companions, but none came. Instead, Tom placed an arm around her shoulders and kissed her tenderly. Harry just shook his head. He would never understand their tumultuous relationship.

After several long minutes, the command team showed no intention of surfacing anytime soon. Torres decided it was time to clear out the extras. She rose silently, drawing annoyed glances from a handful of crew members. With a quick shake of her head she indicated the door and made a shooing motion with her hands.

Everybody caught on rapidly and soon a silent procession left the mess hall, heads craned to catch yet another glimpse of this unexpected rumor turned reality. Neelix switched off all the lights except for a small lamp in the kitchen that cast a muted golden glow over the first row of tables. Then, with a last look at the enamored couple, he followed Tom Paris outside.

As soon as the door had closed, the pilot whistled under his breath. "Phew, Neelix, that certainly was a long time coming."

The Talaxian beamed up at him. "I always knew it would happen someday," he declared. Then he turned back and locked the door. "Just a precaution," he added happily as Paris unsuccessfully tried to hide his grin.

Right then the turbolift at the near end of the corridor opened and Tuvok emerged.

Neelix fidgeted. "Here comes Mr. Vulcan. What if he wants to eat now?" he whispered nervously.

Sure enough, Tuvok's destination was clearly the mess hall. "Mr. Neelix, Lieutenant," he curtly greeted the two men and attempted to step around them.

Paris blocked his way. "Sorry, this joint is closed for tonight," he announced cheerfully.

Seeing the Vulcan's eyebrows rise, Neelix jumped into action and grabbed Tuvok's arm, anxiously turning him back the way he had come. Taken aback by the Talaxian's audacity, Tuvok opened his mouth to speak, but Paris fell into step beside him, still grinning broadly.

"Tuvok, my friend, let me tell you a story..."

-==/\==-

When Kathryn Janeway looked back on that night later, she had trouble recalling all the details. All she knew for certain was that when Chakotay and she had kissed, under the watchful eyes of at least two dozen of their crew, a collective sigh had swept through the room.

After that, the following minutes were a blur of sensations. Months of yearning were finally demanding their due, and she was overwhelmed by her body's response to his closeness, driving away all conscious thought. She dimly remembered coming up for air at some point and finding the mess hall dark and deserted; only what amounted to a night light had been left burning in the kitchen.

"Where'd everybody go?" she had asked huskily, tracing Chakotay's tattoo in the faint starlight.

He had turned his head and kissed the palm of her hand. "Does it matter?"

"No." And that had been the end of that brief lucid moment.

Several minutes later they finally managed to let go of each other long enough to agree that a change of location was called for if they wanted to keep the remainder of their dignity intact. They switched off the kitchen light and prepared to leave, almost colliding with the door as it failed to open at their approach.

"They actually locked us in!" Kathryn was incredulous. "I wonder who thought of that?"

"Probably Neelix," Chakotay guessed, wrapping his arms around her from behind. "Or B'Elanna. Or Tom. Certainly not Harry." He kissed the side of her neck.

"Poor guy. And they're trying so hard to teach him," she chuckled, then sighed with pleasure when his lips moved lower.

She reached for the manual control to key in the appropriate code, but Chakotay unexpectedly turned her around and backed her up against the door, delivering another searing kiss that made her knees go weak. Desire coursed through her and she found herself seriously considering the possibility of staying... But no. Some of the rumors were already detailed enough; there was no sense in turning any more of them into fact than absolutely necessary – at least not tonight.

His hands trailed down her sides and she shuddered, a strangled moan escaping her lips. With an effort she pushed him away and drew a shaky breath. "We'd better go."

The mischievous gleam in his eyes told her that he thoroughly enjoyed seeing her this out of control and knowing that – finally – it was for all the right reasons.

"If you insist." He cupped her face and moved in to kiss her once more, but she sidestepped his advances and deftly tapped in the release code for the door.

"Indeed I do."

The corridors were silent and empty, whether by chance or by design they couldn't be sure. The short turbolift ride from deck 2 to deck 3 seemed to take forever, and Chakotay found it harder and harder to hold back, to resist the urge of embracing her again before they had reached the privacy of the captain's domain. The anticipation was almost too much to bear, but at least he had the satisfaction of knowing that Kathryn was equally struggling for control.

He slowed his steps when they approached her quarters but she tugged on his hand and pulled him along, bypassing her door. Eyebrows lifting in surprise he followed and in a matter of moments found himself at the door to his own cabin which obediently slid open at their approach.

As soon as they had moved through, she let go of his hand and advanced to the center of the room, taking in the familiar surroundings with new-found appreciation. This was Chakotay's domain, the colors and mementos a reflection of his personality – she already knew quite a bit about him, but she couldn't wait to learn much, much more.

He came up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders, squeezing lightly. Right now he wanted nothing more than to pick up where they'd left off in the mess hall, but first, he had to know. "Not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, but why are we here instead of next door?"

Kathryn turned, the most brilliant smile lighting up her face and the whole room. "So you can't accuse me of throwing you out tomorrow morning." With that she was in his arms again, leaving no room for doubt that this time, she was there to stay.

 _Tomorrow morning_. Chakotay definitely liked the sound of that.

-==/ The End \==-


End file.
